In the midst of wrapping presents, I was thinking of what amazing dish I could make for an extended family dinner on Christmas Eve.
I glanced at Instagram and saw a hilarious photo of a celebrity mom standing just outside the door of her car looking exasperated with an armful of bags. The seat belt was still fully intact, stretched out all the way to the outside. The photo was captioned, “This is what Christmas season does to a mom #stuckinmyseatbelt”.
I got to thinking about how much pressure is on, well everyone, but particularly parents of young children. The responsibility of ensuring a child has cherished and happy memories of the holiday is riding on their shoulders. This could include providing everything on the itemized wish list to Santa, but it also means parties and plays at the school, the choir at the church, gifts for the everyone in homeroom, and on and on it goes.
Even with the rise of minimalism in the last decade, experiential gifts and donations may still require hefty financial means. I thought about this one Christmas morning in my past, probably fifteen years ago or more. An aunt had a tough financial year and found herself strapped to bring anything at all to the gift exchange.
I’ll never forget what she did instead of gifts. She went around the room and expressed a personalized memory for each one of us. I’m not sure I can remember any of the material gifts she gave me the other years, but I remember that year she broke the norm.
Whether the year has been wildly successful or desperately lacking, the most important thing you can do for your family this holiday is let them know you see them. Really see them.
Maybe it looks like pulling away from devices for a period of reprieve and looking in their eyes directly. Those awkward glitches of silence hold value. We can take in nuances and body language cues otherwise missed in exchange for one more entertaining Tik Tok video.
What if you spent quality time around the table like the old days? I own a story stones game. It can probably be found on Amazon for a low price or can be done DIY. Each place setting at the table has a stone next to the plate with a hidden message. The message is revealed as the stone is overturned, and one by one throughout dinner each person answers the written question. (For example, “Tell me about your happiest moment recently.”)
Maybe it looks like having the courage to speak words of affirmation to the new mother in the family who is feeling frazzled and buried in the isolation of caring for a new baby. Maybe it looks like cleaning up the kitchen after someone has invested measurable effort to cook, using the shoulder-to-shoulder time to ask how things have been going and then truly caring about the answer.
Maybe it looks like giving a bear hug to your grandma and meaning it, even if you don’t consider yourself a touchy-feeling kind. Adults need eight hugs a day to be at their healthiest! Some may get only eight hugs or less in the entire year.
Communicating someone is seen is delivered in various ways in order for it to be felt on a visceral level. In the end, our gifts will likely be forgotten, but the feeling of warmth will remain.
It may be uncomfortable to try something new. I know my aunt felt out of place that day she showed up to the festivities empty handed, and we squirmed in our seat a little when the memory was spoken to each of us. But what she gave me that year was special: she showed me she was paying attention to what happens in my life.
Not sure where to start? Here are some ideas.
I see your triumphs.
I see your struggles.
I see your happiness.
I see your pain.
And you are loved and accepted just as you are. I may not agree with everything you do nor every decision you make, but I see you. I hear you. I understand you.
You are not alone in this world. There is a place for you right here next to me where our hearts can be at rest and our spirits can find peace even if only for a moment in time. That place is called home.