Life is a series of challenges, and no matter how experienced we are, sometimes it feels overwhelming. All we want to do is hide under the sheets and eat whatever junk food we’ll regret tomorrow. And while throwing ourselves this (delicious) pitty party, we often wonderhow some manage to bounce back stronger while others struggle to recover. What makes some people more resilient than others?
The truth is: you already know what could make things better for you – you don’t need me to tell you that. Finding the right steps and tools towards being more resilient are not too difficult to find. All you need is a deep dive online and pick and choose the tools that resonate with you the most. But what’s often missing is not necessarily the how-to (tools), but the belief (mindset) that you can be more resilient, or the willpower (effort) to make these steps work. I know, because for some time I didn’t have much of either of those… until I did.
I made a promise to myself years ago to one day write it all down. A promise to share my experiences and the experiences of those around me in case they might help others too. A promise that I’d do my best to put my 20 years as a professional to good use and produce something worth your time and effort on how to best develop and grow your resilience. My answer to what makes someone resilient lies in adopting what I call the “Tough cookie Mindset”.
If your current situation sometimes makes you feel powerless, then the belief that you have the power to change that situation, can feel like an uphill battle. And unlocking the belief in yourself that you can tackle that battle, is easier said than done.
But it’s not impossible! This mindset reframes the common misconception of what being a “tough cookie” really means. Being resilient is not about being invincible or never experiencing pain. It’s about allowing yourself to take a hit, learning from it, and bouncing back stronger. It’s about finding meaning and purpose in the face of challenges (which isn’t always easy to do, especially when we’re right in the middle of it) - It’s about developing the 5 ingredients of a tough cookie: Courage, Control, Connection, Kindness, and Commitment.
COURAGE
The first and most crucial ingredient of resilience. As Aristotle so greatly put it ‘courage is the first of human qualities, because it’s what guarantees the others”. It takes courage to face challenges head-on, to confront your fears and to step outside your comfort zone. Someone who is truly resilient doesn’t ignore their fears. On the contrary, truly resilient people acknowledge their fears but don’t let them paralyse their actions.
Take on a growth mindset by including “yet” into your vocabulary (you don’t know how to manage a situation – or you don’t know how to manage that situation… “yet?”). Embrace the discomfort of change, take on a realistic perspective and use it as a catalyst for your growth. In other words, dare to acknowledge your weaknesses and failures and use the lessons learnt as a tool moving forward.
CONTROL
The second ingredient to being resilient is how you approach it. While we can’t always control our circumstances, we can control how we react to them and the attitude we choose to take. Resilient people understand they have a say over their own lives. When something bad happens to you, ask yourself the question: what role did you play in that situation? Could you have handled it differently? What boundaries should have been put in place? How can I better manage it next time? Resilience is about focusing on what you can change and letting go of what is beyond your control.
CONNECTION
Third down the list but important to nurturing your resilience. It’s important to build a support network (however big or small that network looks like for you). Surround yourself with people who motivate you, whose connection lifts you up, and who provide emotional support and offer guidance when needed. While human connection is an important part of our lives and contributes to our mental health, not all social relationships make our lives better.
Some can even be toxic and do more damage than good when it comes to boosting our resilience. I’m not saying everyone is out to get you, but it’s important to recognise the red flags when someone is. You can remain kind and patient when dealing with a toxic person, but it’ll be too easy for them to take advantage of you, if you don’t set your own, clear, boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are a way to care for yourself, and to show people what you do and do not tolerate in your human connections. You give what you can based on your energy and resources, which means you can afford to be generous to more people over a longer period. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
KINDNESS
Resilience is not just about bouncing back; it’s about thriving and helping other do the same. Acts of kindness, both towards yourself and others, create positive ripples that contribute to your overall well-being. They say there is no such thing as a selfless good deed, and to some degree they are not wrong.
It’s known as the ‘helper’s high’ (a phrase first coined by Allan Luks) and it happens as some form of bounce-back effect whenever we show kindness towards others. It floods us with positive feeling about ourselves and boosts our self-esteemwhich is a key ingredient to staying productive, optimistic, and resilient in life.
Build uprandom acts of kindness so that they become a daily habit (however big or small) and spread kindness like wildfire. Being kind in a sometimes-unkind world is not always easy, but you’ve got to start somewhere. Just like applying the ‘tough cookie mindset’, being kind takes time, effort and understanding.
COMMITMENT
While courage is a key ingredient that separated the ones ‘talking’ about being resilient from the ones actually ‘being resilient’. The ingredient that separates the "talkers" from the "doers" - is commitment. All the previously mentioned tools are useless without dedication and perseverance… without making the conscious effort to develop them. It’s about staying committed to your goals and values, even when life gets tough. Staying committed to growth and resilience can open a world of possibilities.
But risks need to be taken to move forward. Ask yourself “what’s the worst that could happen?”. Is failure really the worst-case scenario, or is the regret of not having tried it at all the real issue? You can’t sit around and do nothing,expecting resilience to fall in your lap, nor can you expect it to last if you don’t actively do things to foster it. Don’t see it as ‘work’, but as habits that make you feel happier in the first place.
Nothing will make you resilient until you choose to be resilient. You don’t need validation from others to recognise it; and the skills you develop to tackle life’s hardships won’t come to you, but from you.
Applying the “Tough Cookie Mindset” gives you the capacity to prepare for life’s interruptions, recover from upsets and stress, and adapt and grow from the good and badexperiences.
Tough times don’t last, but tough cookies… they do.