Quite often, opportunities present themselves that force me to reflect and think about the choices I am making in life and the narrative I am telling myself. These choices impact not only me but also those around me. These opportunities are a blessing and a curse. I often end up shaming myself for shame, but in the long term, I can take lessons and slowly implement them.
This reflection has led me to analyze my fitness and working out obsession. I have always enjoyed working out, and exercise has always been a great reprieve for me from stress and mental health-related challenges.
This realization also came to the forefront, especially during covid where I struggled with mild depression. I felt down in the dumps with no social connections and closed gyms. Post-covid, I decided to focus on my health and fitness more, I gave up many things, so I did not miss any workouts. Then recently, I started boxing, which also motivated me to change my diet significantly. These changes have given me newfound vigour, energy, focus and discipline.
However, it also leads me to be inflexible and almost too much obsession with achieving a certain type of physique. I have struggled with self-body shaming due to bullying early in life. While I have been in great shape for most of my life, I have started pushing myself to another level. So I started asking myself, do I have a problem? Why am I so hard on myself when I miss a workout? How did I go from taking two days off as rest days during the week to no days off?
Whenever I struggle with difficult questions or moments of self-reflection, I read a book that often provides guidance or a challenge for me to internalize. This time, I was reading the book When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress by Dr. Gabor Mate. The book talks explicitly about severe illnesses that often manifest due to chronic stresses that we continue to live with and that live in our unconscious.
We become addicted to these stressors and forget how to function without them. Sometimes that looks like not listening to our body for signs or being unable to say no. While the book shares examples of people not being able to say no to others, in my case, I cannot say no to my ego.
Another aspect perpetuating the issues is not having a differentiated sense of self, which manifests as emotional suppression. In the book, people who continued running with their plates full and repressed their emotions often were diagnosed with terminal illnesses or diseases, ultimately leading to death.
So, I realized how my fitness goals and lack of taking days off led me down a similar path. It was time to start looking at my schedule and slowing things down while maintaining balance. How can I be kinder to myself?
The second aspect of my reflection started with how I was projecting this obsession toward my son, who was spending an entire week with me. Every evening, I tried to push him for us to get out to the gym to play basketball or some form of activity. He even tried explaining that he was off school for a week and just wanted to relax.
I tried to explain to him how important movement and exercise are, even on vacation. Looking back, I realized I was doing the same thing my parents had done to me: pushing my values and opinions onto my son and shaming him indirectly. Something had to change, and I needed to let go to be more present with my son.
While reflecting, I also realized that similar shaming is happening regarding physique on social media, which has also started to influence me. So many “masculinity” promoting accounts focus heavily on men’s physiques. A specific shape determines a man’s masculinity; the same accounts post shirtless pictures.
There is a subtle implication that if one does not meet that image, he is to question his discipline, commitment to his family, leadership, and masculinity. Often these men are also projecting their insecurities or seeking validation. There is an inner child that needs healing in all of us. This observation is not meant as an attack; I only have compassion for everyone as we are all figuring it out.
While these accounts try to encourage a particular lifestyle and challenge men to become more focused and disciplined, covert shaming is starting to surface. Additionally, what are we role-modelling for our children? As I highlighted earlier and based on my research, transgenerational or intergenerational trauma is more profound among people who struggle with a differentiated sense of self.
Not having a differentiated sense of self leads to emotional suppression, seeking approval and buying into trends, specifically on social media. The more I thought about this, the more I realized that if my son is watching me obsess and pushing myself, he may be motivated, but what internal dialogue does he have with himself if he falls short? Is this another form of generational trauma being passed down with good intentions? Sound familiar?