There’s a healthy balance between ‘passive’ and ‘aggressive’ communication, where our expressed ideas and opinions remain respectful to those of others – a balance known as assertive communication.
However, one thing that really toothpastes my orange juice, is that some people still continue to link “being assertive” with “being aggressive”, especially when the person standing their ground is a woman. I’m not saying assertive communication isn’t a struggle for everyone, but there remains a particular bias that still affects women today when it comes to taking a stance.
My natural style has me lean towards a ‘passive’ way of communicating, which has suited many just fine over the years. It has made me very likeable (aka agreeable) as I conformed to the traditional female stereotype of being gentle and caring; but it has also made me miss out on some amazing opportunities in the past, where I did not always stand up for what I believed in or wanted.
It took me a long time to find that perfect balance between not pushing enough (a passive ‘doormat’) and pushing it too far (an aggressive ‘bulldozer’ ) so you can imagine my disappointment when my assertive and ambitious new way of communicating was labelled as ‘bossy’ or ‘bitchy’ by those who didn’t necessarily agree with what I had to say.
I’ll give those poor, uneducated potatoes the benefit of the doubt in not better understanding the values that lie behind assertive communication (now that kids, was an example of ‘passive aggressive’ communication). But really, the concept of assertiveness is fairly new and was popularized in the 1970s by psychologists and personal development experts. Here in France the word ‘assertive’ was only added to the dictionary a short 3 years ago!
There remains a lot of confusion about being assertive versus being aggressive, and to some, we are not capable of stating our opinions assertively without being an a-hole about it.
This could not be further from the truth, so I want to set the record straight and take the “ass” right out of “assertive communication”.
Assertiveness is being able to stand up for yourself and express your thoughts and opinions without apology and return the same curtesy to others in their say. As the intention is not to hurt anyone in the process, this can be done without needing to be either aggressive or offensive.
It is the ability to know yourself and express what you want and need. When an assertive person is met with resistance, they’ll approach it with respect for all parties involved and focus on a win/win situation where possible.
Someone who is aggressive tends to ask for what they want in a way that completely disregards the feelings and viewpoints of the other person. If their communication results in hurting someone’s feelings, they’ll only view it as a byproduct to a successful win from their part. Aggressive communicators often harness internal anger and low self-confidence. When an aggressive person is met with resistance, they’ll often verbalize their wants and needs in a sarcastic or dominant manner and feed on fear rather than respect in attaining their own win.
Sharon Anthony Bower could not have said it any better: “The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behaviors affect the rights and well being of others.”
You can absolutely be assertive without being an ass !