Life and life’s purpose! I think many of us ask ourselves this question daily? I most certainly do. I can remember right back to when I was in primary education when I would often stare blankly at the world and just wonder why? Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why is the sea called sea and not sky? These were just some of my naive inquisitive questions about existence from my childhood. It really is a question that has popped up regularly since. Why are we here? What is our purpose? Where are we going?
For me - I’ve always known since forever that I wanted to be a mum, it was most definitely built within me, from day dot I was role playing mums, dads and babies! Procreation is what our initial purpose is - I guess there are a few out there that don't have the desire to procreate, I’m not one of them.
I could never imagine my life being fulfilled without my son and daughter, it was a quest that came from within! I knew in my heart I would never be able to find contentment with my life without my becoming a mother. Pregnancy and birth well that’s a shock to the system. My second child's birth was so traumatic that I was diagnosed with P.T.S.D! Many women suffer in pregnancy and birth like many women have a better journey.
My journey with both my children’s pregnancies was what you would describe as ‘starved’! And when I say ‘starved’ I mean I was starved! In pregnancy, I suffer from a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. This condition made me vomit all day every day. I can lose up to 12kg while pregnant.
And I’m forever in and out of hospital on hydration drips and given anti sickness injections. The journey for me is somewhat like a dying animal. This I feel was because of the lack of knowledge and care around what some describe as ‘morning sickness’. This condition is far from ‘morning sickness’! I was a bag of bones throughout my pregnancies! My only saving grace is that it would end and I would have my precious baby.
It wasn't just my health that was negatively impacted, this pregnancy related condition lost me my job, my home, my car and pretty much my relationship! From this experience I hope to one day invest into medical research for Hyperemesis Gravidarum, not only for future mums that suffer this debilitating condition whilst pregnant but also to educate the medical staff on how to care for this.
Getting back to my second birth. As I had to have an emergency caesarean section with my first due to complications it was recommended, I have an elective caesarean with future pregnancies. Therefore with my second I was booked in.
However I went into labour early and was refused a caesarean by the consultant at my local hospital. They made me have an epidural, they made me attempt to give birth, they told me if I didn't push properly my baby would die! 23 hours of distress and excruciating pain, forceps and lots of blood and stitches! And a suspected broken coccyx! I finally held my beautiful creation!
My GP was appalled that I was made to give birth, and not just because of the first birth but because my bones would have been so weak due to the severe Hyperemesis Gravidarum that I suffered! Hence a suspected broken coccyx! I suspect the hospital refused to scan this area as the likelihood of them breaking bones was extremely high when using forceps.
My GP and midwife suspected a broken coccyx as I could not sit for 4 months! And obviously being starved left my bones very weak! However the hospital refused liability! This experience is one of many that gave me the fire in my belly to stand up for equality and justice! Procreation now for me is not only having my children but also to not procrastinate my experiences and thoughts but to positively articulate them whether through creating fiction or shouting about my facts!
I’m on a journey to procreate my desires and passions and in doing this I hope for positive changes! Knowledge, a defined direction, determination and tenacity is what I feel lay at my feet now! Its certain experiences in our life that determine our next steps, I think the harsher the experience can sometimes make you a stronger more resilient being and you’ll go full steam ahead however I'm all too aware that some experiences can push you further into the trap of despair where you procrastinate rather than procreate, and damn I reckon I could win a gold in procrastination!
But there is something inside of me that won’t let me stay down for too long! I definitely think it is my children, my nieces and nephews and all the next generations to come; they are my driving force for a better existence! If we ignore the social injustices, we experience daily, no matter how small or how big, what are we saying to the future generations? Throughout history we have had many figures stand up for change such as Mary Wollstonecraft, Emily Pankhurst, Nelson Mandela, just to name a few!
And they are the ones we have to thank today as without them and their courageous personalities we would still be stuck in Victorian England or even worse Elizabethan England! Ouch! So I really do believe procreate your passions and desires whether it be becoming a parent, becoming a nurse, or becoming prime minister you go create it don't procrastinate it! I dreamed of having my own novel out there! Like really it was just a dream! Because who am I? Who would want to read me? Then I switched it! Why not? What do I have to lose?
Surely, it's got to be a gain? And yes, my positive switch was right! Of course there is a gain! You will always gain when you put the work in. Although it might not be the gain you expected, it will certainly open up doors or at the very least be a healer to your heart! My point to this tale is that we humans will go to many lengths to achieve our deepest desires, like myself being starved and putting my health, my life at risk to procreate my deepest desire of becoming a mother! Go procreate your genius ideas! Good luck and thank you for reading.